Dissociative Identity Disorder

During the pandemic of COVID-19, I was trapped in my apartment for almost a year. The city was locked down. There were no signs of life on the streets. It was like you were the only one standing on this earth. So quiet and so peaceful.

Life was quite easy at the beginning. I owned my time. I could sleep all day, and there was no need to talk to people (I was a bit shy and afraid of talking to people. I always felt like an outsider when I was in a group of people). To be honest, I thought I could live like this for the rest of my life. However, it just came to me that human beings are purely social animals. They craved to be around each other. I had no way to dump my feelings. All those bad thoughts were stuck in my mind while I was awake and asleep. I finally realized that I needed someone to talk to. Later on, without connecting with real people, my brain developed its own protection mechanism to solve this issue. It split my personality into four. At first, I, the main personality (at least I thought I was), thought it was funny that I can just talk to my brain to solve my need to talk to someone. I then found out that I just ran out of my space, the space inside my mind. Other personalities were so brutal and relentless that they forced me to listen to their negative feelings from "our" childhood, those I intentionally chose to forget all day long, twenty-four seven. They seemed not to require any sleep. What was worst was that I could not just shut my ears off since they talked inside my brain.

The loneliness, depression, anxiety, and rage, they were like The Four Musketeers, head-shooting me every night. I realized that I needed to kill other personalities and became The One, putting my personalities into one in order to survive this mess during the pandemic. Otherwise, someone would just find a dead body hanging in the middle of my apartment when the lockdown was over.

I'm thrilled to survive this identity war and share my experience with you now that my mind space is just enough. I've read from a book that the secret sauce to a peaceful mind is balancing feelings. Don't go too far and extreme. Be like Laozi. Appreciate the art of The Golden Mean.

DevTeam Members

Rockcen, Jerry, Julian, Fei